Category Archives: comedy

Top 5 Insane Reasons Why Indie Game Dev Projects Fail (with Solutions!)

It’s really hard to succeed as an independent game developer. Let’s explore 5 insane reasons why that might be, and give you the solutions you need to succeed!

1. Good Computers

The problem with game development when compared to most desk jobs is that you need a decent gaming computing to do it properly. Couple this with the fact that most game developers are keen gamers and you have an insane recipe for distraction. Can’t make games when all you’re doing is playing them!

Don't hire this guy.
Don’t hire this guy.

It’s a catch-22 situation, but there is a solution!

Only hire game developers who loathe gaming. They will be motivated to complete their task as quickly and dispassionately as possible so they can move on to a real job doing financial modelling for accounting firms in Excel. This will make your project a sure fire success.

This is the dev you need.
This is the dev you need.

2. Kickstarter

These days it’s all about the kickstarter campaign. A good kickstarter campaign is considered almost essential to a struggling indie game developer.

Unfortunately, it’s much harder for a game developer to make a compelling and successful kickstarter campaign than it is for them to make a compelling and successful game. By the time the kickstarter is ready you’re already broke and burnt out on the project.

You will fail.
You will fail.

Fortunately the solution is simple. Instead of wasting time on kickstarter, just make a game and release it instead. Easy.

tumblr_static_yks-logo

3. The Internet/Social Media

It’s very hard to focus on game development when there’s so many other things to focus on. Your Twitter account needs attention, your Google+ page needs attention, your Facebook needs attention, your YouTube account needs attention, pornographic content needs to be consumed, has PewDiePie stopped being annoying and bad at games yet? It’s been a while since you last visited Second Life, maybe it’s not shit now?

The Internet is really making it hard to create games, with all its enticing distractions. So what’s the solution?

map-internet-twitter-skype-continents
Xkcd is smart, you should read it instead of this blog.

Unplug your ethernet cable.

4. GamerGate

The GamerGate … uhhh whatever it is, scandal? movement? … is totally ruining our vibe. Because every single game developer is a privileged white male we only know how to make games about sexual violence and discrimination against women. By being forced to think about equality and transphobia and other challenging topics we’re increasingly finding that the kinds of games we used to make, which were almost exclusively about high paid male executives keeping women barefoot and pregnant, are now socially unacceptable. This is a total creative bummer.

When I did a google image search for GamerGate I decided this image was least likely to offend.
When I did a google image search for GamerGate I decided this image was least likely to offend. Although it does have a powerful man in it… Oh god, what have I done? I regret everything.

The solution is simple though. If we bury our heads in sand then the GamerGate thing ceases to exist, and we can continue making our discrimination simulators without worry or fear of persecution.

This gives me a great idea for a game: male players just walk around wearing suits, making bro jokes, and high fiving each other for money. Female players simply stare upwards through a glass ceiling, watching the men have all the fun and earn all the money. The only way for women to escape the glass prison is to catch the attention of one of the males. If they successfully do this he will put them into a new prison where they watch Ellen, Dr Phil and Peppa Pig on repeat while trying to prevent a constant stream of babies from electrocuting themselves and starving to death.

Welcome to the Metaverse. The future is looking bright.

The future.
The future.

5. Ourselves

Think about it. Yeah, I totally couldn’t come up with a good fifth thing and Top 4 sounded stupid. Have a picture of a baby meerkat instead.

So fucking cute.
So fucking cute.

Disclaimer

This entire post is a comedy piece. Please don’t think that I actually think this way. I just wanted to make you laugh. I’m so sorry. Don’t make me the next Justine Sacco.

Just hold me.
Just hold me.